It is the second time in a few weeks that I have flown from my workplace on Kwajalein over to my home in Minnesota, and then on to my mother's home in England.... and back. If you are looking down at the earth on the North Pole, Kwajalein would be at 12:00, Minnesota at 9:00 and London at 6:00. We are talking about half way around the world and back, twice.
Why? Well I find myself in a position where I have pressing reasons to be in all three locations. I have a contract to teach Media through the end of May to my students in the Marshalls. And teachers are hard to replace. When I am not there, the library doesn't open, and students fill time waiting for me to return on island. My sons live in Minnesota, and there, also, is the only home I have ever owned. It is a place to relax and be me. And then my mother's address in London is where I go to keep in contact with family, and honor the memory of when we were all younger and lived closer together.
Recently I have felt the pull to return to England and spend time with my mother. This became more intense as my mother's health worsened, and needed a full time carer. I would go every summer, until it became clear that she would not last until next summer. People say, "You should go..." and "It's just a plane ticket." But as soon as I arrive, I feel the need to go back, to fulfill my duties in the classroom. And so it becomes a constant tension of feeling the pull to travel there, when I am here. I need to be there in order to be able to afford being here. I don't know how to give up one with losing the other.
There was I time when I also felt the pull to return to Brazil. It did not seem right that I turn my back on my childhood, and roots that contribute to making me who I am. But my options in Brazil were hindered by complicated name changes and identification papers. In the end I lost my passport, without the chance of renewal... so I turned towards making my home in the US.
By making a home, I mean buying a house and spending a few days of the year in it in order to keep my residence papers current. It is always a joy to return to my home, my sons, my garden, my kitchen. I look forward to being there, even if it is only for a few days on the way to somewhere else. My clothes hang in the closet, my toothbrush by the sink, the lights are on, and someone is there to welcome me home. But I can't stay home too long... because we all need to work, to earn our way, ... and have health insurance. So I leave again, and go back to work in one of the few places that still wants a school librarian.
I am here in England to say goodbye to my dear mother, whose decision to leave home and work abroad probably started me on this path. I cannot say for sure what, or where, I will be living next year. But I do know that my pull to come back to the UK will not lessen. I will continue to need that connection with family here. I want to spend time with my mother's things, and refresh the memory of all that she was to me. That will not go away. I want to come in the summer and smell her roses, clean her windows and answer her mail. I want to care for the legacy that she created. But I have obligations elsewhere. How is it that I have got myself into this three way tug-of-war? I want to be in three places at the same time. Is this making me three dimensional... or torn apart? And will I ever be able to choose one place to settle?
